Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Letting go of Instant Gratification......

This year has been such a journey for me- a wonderful, healing, piss me off and bring out the nasty in me (because that shit's got to go) kind of year.

I just celebrated my 45th birthday.  It was insignificant in the grand experience of my life- and I am deeply thankful for that.  I actually had a calm, loving and peaceful day with myself and my husband.  Having used to be someone who really NEEDED my birthday to be a big deal- you know expecting everyone to send me a card, have a local parade & sing to me as I walk down the street- kind of expectation.  But, interestingly now, I don't feel that way anymore.  I am just really really happy to let it be simple.  I wish I could share some profound wisdom with you as to how this came to be- but I have no idea what the fuck happened.  I am just plain ol' happy I was born.

That being said, this year has been filled with some serious "aha" moments for me.  As I have said in a few of my other blogs, I have been facing the challenge of Adrenal Exhaustion since last fall.  Just when I think, "I got this!" and that the hard part is over, I get wiped out, slide back into a couple of days of "everyone leave me the fuck alone and get off my planet" kind of moods...

This is teaching me SO MUCH, and some serious grand lessons are right in front of me to embrace and grow from.  One of the biggest ones is letting go of my addiction to Instant Gratification.  You know, "I WANT that so I SHALL HAVE THAT" kind of behaviors.  Wether it's a sweet thing, a bottle of wine, a glass of caffeinated Iced Tea (my serious favorite) or to work 10 hours straight so I can have the "feeling" of satisfaction of getting it all done (which is serious bull shit anyways- it never gets all done).  I have lived my life trying to force things to happen NOW so I can feel good NOW....... Dammit.

In the last few months, I have been deeply working on seeing myself and my toxic addictions straight on.  Recognizing that they existed was actually the easy part for me, and being a deep soul diver like I am, I actually could find my "why" they exist pretty easily too...... BUT that's where easy stopped. Changing those behaviors took a hell of a lot more effort than I liked, I mean I didn't want to break a nail or anything (seriously though, I don't even grow my nails because it takes too much effort to maintain them...... here's your sign, as Bill Engval likes to proclaim.)

There's a funny thing about illness though, if you are truly opening the gift it's bringing you, it will require some serious changes to transform yourself into total health again.  And, I had truly reached my breaking point some many months back, spending more time as an inanimate object from fatigue than as a living playful being.  So, my motivation to change was strong enough to make me go into and walk through my discomfort zones.

Giving up sugar and caffeine created a MAJOR FUCKING DISCOMFORT ZONE for me.  Giving up working more than 4 hrs. a day, another anxiety producing gem I got to deal with.  Feeling worthless because I can't do all the things I used to be able to do, another thing to let go of.  You think it would be easy to let go of that shitty feeling, but no my friend, that one was clinging tightly like a tick on my ass I couldn't reach.  And, I had to let go of anger I was holding towards several people I loved and admit my egotistical bitchy self was holding onto being "right".

I have always said, and believe, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come."  Enter Dr. Joe Dispenza and the MAKING YOUR MIND MATTER class.  I signed up just out of intuition and hope that someone could help me master my own addictions and re-create my life to fit the vision I was wishing for in my heart- vibrant energy and balanced lifestyle.  I have helped so many others achieve this, and yet these techniques just weren't getting through my own strong willed ego this time.  I needed help, so I asked and the universe provided.

I'm not very far in this 8 week course, but I'm far enough to say it's working for me!  Before you go rushing in- let me warn you, it works because it requires 1 hr. of meditation a day where you are retraining your body to OBEY your mind..... and bodies don't love to obey at first.  They are like toddlers, whining and aching and squirming- trying to convince you they NEED THAT CUPCAKE, or NEED TO GET UP AND GET THAT SHIT DONE.

My body, after many years of meditation seems to be more like a school age kid that I've just been ignoring because I've been too busy working.  But now that I am stopping, listening and most importantly DISCIPLINING myself, it's beginning to fight a little less and listen a little more.  It's almost like it's watching me to see if I am really truly ready to take responsibility for meeting my own needs in healthy ways, or if I am just going to collapse back into "checking out" and burying myself in work so deep I lose all sense of balance and nurturing again.    Time and LOVE will tell.  I am committed to my own well being.  I am committed to see my own tricks and manipulations and to disciplining myself with love and boundaries.   I am ready to BECOME what I have always known was inside of me waiting to be LOVED out into the open.

Thank you for being my witness. 

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Dream Big

I just completed this piece called, "Dream Big".  My artwork has always been a reflection of what I most need to hear from my Soul in this moment to grow spiritually.

This week I began listening to my Soul by painting a HUGE canvas I purchased from goodwill.  It was covered with what looked like an Alien woman walking down the street in Paris by the Eiffel tower with a scary poodle and a hat that filled up half the painting- all done in blue, white and black. Probably one of the ugliest paintings I've seen.  But a canvas that's 3ft x 3ft for $7.99- I couldn't pass that up!

I was even a little embarrassed taking it up to the counter to pay for it.  I kept getting raised eyebrows and a few snickers.  I just kept smiling and said,  "I'm rescuing it" to anyone who'd listen.

Then over a process of many days and at least 7 layers of paint I stood back and thought- "My goodness there's so much going on here, I don't really know where to go with it, what it wants to become."  I felt perplexed and a little scared- like perhaps I had taken it too far.

Then my husband came in one morning to take a peek and said, "Wow! That's really beautiful.
Let me take a photo of it so you can see it in a new way."

He was right.  I had been to close to it- in many ways to really see it's beauty.  So when I saw the picture, I fell in love with it.  I also realized it was truly so much like my own self these days-  So many layers, so many expressions of pattern and shape- all playing together in a joyful exuberant dance.  I have been overwhelmed with joy the last few weeks because I have been following my bliss and being brave in pursuing my biggest dream of all- being a professional Artist.

Once I learned to see it's beauty through the photo, I asked it what's it was trying to tell me- what's it's Soul Wisdom was.  And the quote "If your Dreams don't scare you... they're not Big Enough." felt perfect.

I love this quote, because it's how I feel these days, Scared and excited at the same time.  My dream of being a professional artist is coming true!  My artwork is going national and I have beautiful, heart centered sales reps all over the country who love my work and are excited to promote it.

When I was a little girl I used to sit and draw, and I LOVED art class most of all.  But being an artist was not a "rational" dream to follow.  So I let it go and followed the safe paths.  They were other beautiful paths- with many amazing gifts for me.  But now, it's time to take the path that scares me and thrills me at the same time.  I could fall short of my dream or it could disappoint me.  But, with knocking knees I have to give it a shot.

My life has brought me here and I am ready. I am Brave Enough to try.  I am Strong Enough to not give up. And I Trust Enough in God to go wherever the path leads.

I must Dream Big.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Trust your Joy

SO many changes have been flooding my life.  It's monsoon season here in Arizona, so no surprise the weather matches my world.  

As I open myself to pursuing a whole new path of putting my artwork "out there" in the market- researching sales reps, trade shows, marketing strategies, reading books on selling your artwork as a business, I am overwhelmed by so many choices, and "shoulds" crowding my mind.  I've never been for the small time world- I like to "go for it", to do my best and give it everything I've got.  

I am reminded of the funny quote by Hunter S. Thompson-
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
But so many choices...... so many directions to go and so much money needed to get there.  I find myself stressing over the piling up costs.  Is this the right place to spend my time and money?  Is this the right direction to go?  Will this pay off? 

I have to regularly stop, breathe, and remind myself that a greater power is in charge of my life and that I am not doing this alone.... not even close. 

I believe that there is a compass within me that directs me to the best choices for me, and it speaks through the feeling of joy.  My Soul's voice is not subtle when it comes riding on the joy wave- IF I'm paying attention to it.  

Unfortunately, it's easy to forget that I can trust that joy to lead me down the path of my Soul.

So, I painted this picture to do just that.  I can and I will TRUST MY JOY.  

So many years I trusted my "should" feelings and "guilt" feelings to lead the way- or my "be responsible" feelings (those were HUGE hard to override impulses).  Somewhere, I imagined a judge and jury watching my every move, my every decision, keeping track to see if I was doing it right. 

What a sucko way to live....... 

But times have changed for me.  I no longer let guilt take the reins, and shoulds, while they still are along for the ride, they definitely take a back seat.  I choose Joy. 

It's so much more fun when Joy drives my life.  We end up taking side excursions and scenic routes that bring me so much more soul wisdom experiences and love.  And if I can relax and trust that Joy knows how to get to our destination, then I can trust every path we travel together as the perfect path for me.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Clean Eating and Clean Living.....

Man I feel great!

Me and My Sweet Hubby Swimming at Fossil Creek in AZ.

My winter really sucked the life out of me..... literally.  I was hanging on a thread every single day.
Diagnosed with Adrenal Exhaustion, I made the decision to do everything I could to change that.  So I took that last thread of energy and I used it to ask for help- from God, from my doctor and most of all from myself.

And God, my doctor and I all answered that call.

Slowly but consistently my adrenal exhaustion has been improving & my energy levels have been feeling normal and my life feels full again.  I cannot tell you how great it feels to be able to get up at 5:30am, totally awake and ready to go for the day!  And to make it through the day without energy crashing and wanting to crawl under a rock to shut out the world- that's a great feeling to be able to cross of my list.

But, I had to give up a few things along the way in this commitment to my own wellness......
-my need to push myself all day long (now I take breaks and naps if needed- thank you to Dorie S. for that lovely and kind suggestion)
-my excuses for not exercising everyday
-my unhealthy need for caffeine to start up and keep going (yep, I'm totally caffeine free and shocked as hell that it feels so darn good!)

-crappy foods (no more fake stuff, preservatives, non organic foods)
-sugar and white foods that cause me to have bloodsugar crashes.
-forgetting to drink water

But I gained several lovely new habits that I am enjoying.
- I walk every single day and do yoga at least 5 days a week, giving my body my total attention and gentleness in my willingness to BEND SO I DON'T BREAK.
- I drink water all day long
- I meditate everyday, many times with the birds singing to me
- I listen to my inner voice as NUMERO UNO BOSS LADY and it's great advice.
-I check in with my body several times a day to see if there's anything it's asking for (like going to the bathroom...... TMI?  Well I had a bad habit of waiting so long to pee my bladder's knees were knocking)
-I eat healthy whole grains, fruits, vegetables and proteins 5 times a day (no more skipping meals because I'm lost in wonderland and forgot)
-I take my supplements and vitamins everyday to repair all the years of stress damage I created on my cells.

And guess what, I've lost 20 lbs in the last 4 months.
And I don't even care about numbers or where I end up.  I am just happy to be "lighter" in so many ways.  It feels gentle and good. I feel loved and cherished.

I am reminded of the angel card I drew while sitting in the doctor's office in April feeling hope because I was brave enough to seek outside help.

TRUST..... yes.  I trust the face in the mirror.  I trust my creator and I am trusting my life again.  And even more exciting, I finally feel like I've got the energy I need to move forward with my art business- because I've got some big plans that require some seriously big girl highly energized panties to accomplish (nice image huh- hoola hoop anyone?).

Stay tuned......

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Taking a Love Bath

(Today's Blog is dedicated to my cousin & Soul friend Michael C.)

I knew I would like her the minute she walked into the waiting room.  Her black cowboy boots with hot pink angel wings and sparkles made me smile. 
"Thank you" I silently whispered to God.  
It was a simple message, in Soul words- "She will understand you".

It's been over 6 years since I've been to the doctor. Yes, I know some of you women are gasping at the lack of yearly physicals, etc.  but..... that's my choice.  I'm a nature girl all the way.  I have no need for a pap, or breast exam- no matter what the fear of the world is around me.  Why?  Because if cancer where to enter my world- I would simply keep living the loving nourishing way I have been for the last six weeks, and if that didn't do the trick.... I'd allow myself to move onto the next adventure in the next world.  Death has NO fear for me.  I trust it's timing, no matter what.

So for me to visit the doctor- it has to be to try to improve the quality of my life- not the length of it.  And so, when I found Dr. Sina, following my Soul's Intuition I was thrilled to find a beautiful vibrant 50 something woman with cowboy boots and a biochemistry, MD, and naturopathic mastery.

I had to wait six weeks to see her- but if you've read my blogs lately- you understand why I made the commitment to go.  

The visit was beautiful and overwhelming at the same time.  Yes, indeed it was a good thing I went.  My body is asking for some serious healing time from all the years of overgiving and overworking.  I have to pay the piper.  But mostly, I can feel my beautiful body like an innocent child who has worked tirelessly to help me accomplish what I came here to do.  Now it's her time to repair.

So, after an hour of testing, talking and listening to the evidence of my body's exhaustion. I felt slightly overwhelmed by it all.  How could I let myself get to this place?  How could I push and push and push and expect it to be any different? Was I arrogant in believing I could override nature?  Yes, I had been.  Time to learn.  Time for humility and deeper understanding of self.  

I am ready.

So Today I took a love bath.... I let love pour itself through me and over me with silent healing presence.  I sat in meditation and surrendered.  It is the most gentle and most powerful force of healing there is.  I have let it flow through me for others more times than I can count.  So today I turned it's focus inward.  I contained it and gave it to myself, simply by doing nothing but letting it bathe me, washing away my deep layers of sadness, my fears of failing, my need to do it alone, and my impatience.  All of it handed over to Love.  

On my walk today I replaced my upbeat, get your ass moving Maroon5 music with a beautiful love song to myself.  Today I share it with you- so that you too can take a love bath if you'd like.

I realize you may not have the hour to meditate and take a walk, but if you could even sit for 3 mins and Let love in...... let it hold you, and fill you and wash away all the bullshit  icky stuff you've been letting drag you down.  


Lyrics by Rumi
When Love comes suddenly and taps
on your window, run and let it in, but first
shut the door of your reason,
even the smallest hint chases love away,
like smoke that drowns the freshness
of the morning breeze.
To reason, Love can only say
the way is barred, you can’t pass through,
but to the lover it offers a hundred blessings.
Before the mind decides to take a step,
Love has reached the seventh heaven.
Love has climbed the Holy Mountain.
I must stop this talk now and let
Love speak from its nest of silence.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Rebirth...... and tidal waves of Grief.

It's been a hell of a hard month.... not everyday, but the days that are difficult are so hard they bleed into the few days after.  Ever have days like that?

I am going through a rebirthing process.  Birth is NEVER easy, it is challenging for the mother and for the new child being born.  As a nurse in Mom/baby I watched more births than I can count, and every one left me in tears with the beauty and miracle of the experience...... every single one.  It wouldn't matter if I walked in right before the delivery or spent hours with the mother to be- it was deeply emotionally touching to witness.  And, it had me in tears every time.

Right now I am rebirthing myself.  And I am also witnessing the birth.  So I am mother, child and midwife- and it is exhausting.

My contractions are waves huge waves of grief that come unexpectedly, without provocation or cause.  When the first one hit me a few weeks ago, I thought "Holy shit this sucks!".  But I was determined to embrace it, breathe through it and try not to judge myself for it.  I went deep into it, believing if I could dig out it's treasures, it would clear and I would be the better for it.  So I thought......

I could not identify anything in my current life that made me sad- so confusion came as well.  I am learning grief can be cellular.  It can have one thing and many things that have rooted it into our being.  It can be one lifetime or many lifetimes of sadness unfelt.  In other words, it can be overwhelmingly deep and difficult to put a finger on.

A few weeks ago, before my first grief contraction I was taking a walk in my neighborhood and saw this guy resting in my path.

I stopped, shocked because rattlesnakes are usually not out during the middle of the day and in all the months we had been in AZ. I had never seen one before- anywhere!  I could feel "magic" afoot, knowing something mystical was happening in it's own subtle way.  So I snapped a photograph.  It wasn't until later that I noticed the snake had formed a pattern of 7 undulations- the same as the 7 chakra systems.

I drug out my Animal Speak book and read about the symbolism of snake crossing your path.  It is a sign of Rebirth- and Rattlesnake is a Power snake according to the Native Americans.  If you see a rattlesnake you are in the process of shedding your false sense of power and rebirthing yourself into true power.  Within days of this viewing the first contraction of grief hit.  Just like a snake that gets itchy as it's old skin starts to feel too tight and dry.... my irritability with little things started to increase.  Every little thing made me irritated and meditation barely helped.

So after the first contraction, which I naively hoped would be the only one,  I recovered and found myself hit with a second wave of overwhelming sadness several days later.  This one scared the shit out of me because it gave me pause to wonder, "how many of these hellish waves am I going to have before it's over?".  The same thought a mother has when in labor.

Then I saw the second Rattlesnake and this one was not gently gliding across the road!  This one I almost stepped on and it shook it's rattle so loudly I jumped back 3 feet before I even knew what it was.  It never tried to strike me, but it was coiled ready to, should I decide to not respect it's boundaries.

My husband even said, "Wow, what is it with you and rattlesnakes these days?  Do you think it's maybe a sign?".  Duh....  "Why yes, darling, of course I do."

So bring on contraction 3, 4 & 5......they seem to be getting closer.  My recovery time is shorter.  I am so sick of crying and so so sick of feeling like a basket case.  Transition must be close at hand...... or so I hope.

Don't worry.  I know you might be worried about me..... I  mean heck I was worried about myself for awhile.  But in between contractions I can feel the truth again.  I am truly where I am meant to be.  I LOVE my life and this is finally the safe place I needed to be to let go of all these false ideas about myself and my worthiness of peace and happiness.  I spent the last 20 years learning my worth and integrating it into my life- and now my body is asking me to let go of more to go Deep Soul Diving for the treasure of my whole self.

So, because I love myself, that's what I am going to do....... I am choosing to breathe with the contractions, instead of fighting them.  This new self is coming and I can either facilitate her arrival or fight it all the way- but just like birth it is inevitable that I am reborn.

Inevitability gives me peace.  When I gave birth to both of my children, I remember telling myself "this will pass and you will have a great gift when you get through all of this".  So today, I remind myself and possibly you if you are going through a challenging time, this too shall pass and when it's all over with- you will forget the birthing pains (or at least the memory will fade) and a gift of new life will await you.

So, send me prayers for a quick labor.  And should you be so inclined to send me healing energy, or an epidural- I'm not too proud to receive it.

Friday, April 17, 2015

And the journey of healing myself begins......

The road of healing is not an easy one..... the road to illness, well now that's been a long waterslide for me- easy, slippery and downhill fun all the way.  When I hit that pool at the bottom, which I did three months ago, I realized how high that climb back up to the top was going to be.

The last 10 years have been so hard on my body- let me rephrase that, I have been so hard on my body.  After so many years of overworking myself, over-giving and only minimally addressing my basic physical needs- I finally hit bottom.  My body gave up.

I thought all was well until about three months ago I crashed physically.  I could barely sleep more than a few hours at a time without waking up with nightmares and anxiety.  My heart would be racing and my stomach growling.  My blood sugar was crashing and signaling my adrenals to wake me up quickly so that I would wake up the next day.  My adrenals were on their last limb and I was feeling it in every way.

My body ached all the time and I was continuously tired.   My level of fatigue became almost unbearable.  I would be in tears by 2pm wishing I could just crawl in bed and sleep the rest of the day and yet SO HAPPY with my life and wishing I had the energy to be living it fully and vibrantly.

I would literally shake with fatigue and exhaustion- yet push myself to "get it done"- and it sucked.

Enough was enough. One evening I decided to stop, pray and listen to my body.  My body had a "come to Jesus" talk with me.  I had ignored my body's needs for too long- it was struggling to keep my upright most days!  I sat quietly in meditation and invited my body to speak honestly with me.  A beautiful white haired woman in a deep blue velvet gown entered my consciousness.   She told me that she represented all the cells of my body.  She radiated wisdom and deep love to me.

I listened and cried as she talked about how all of my body's cells loved me and served me unconditionally and with joy- but, having tried their best, were now in a crisis state and needed my help.  She listed all the changes I needed to make and asked me to honor them.  As hard as some of them seemed- I knew in my heart I would, that I had to or life would lose all joy.

Love honors and I love my body- I deeply respect it's service to me, even after all of these years of treating it quite oppositely.  I knew I needed to ACT from this love- not just feel it.  I knew this was a make or break moment.  I knew if I kept it up, my husband would be without a wife and my children motherless.  Just when my life was getting to be the best it's ever been- my body said, "It's my turn" and sent me crashing downwards towards a wake up call.

As the meditation continued, She showed me how offering healing and mediumship for the last 18 years were great gifts but had required incredible energy expenditure from the cells of my body.  And lacking regular exercise (due to my fatigue and a trillion other excuses), lack of a nutritionally packed diet, lack of restful sleep and most of all deep restoration periods for my own healing ( I used to work myself sometimes 6 days a week and also play super wife and mom) had taken a deep and scarring toll on my cells.  They were in crisis and I was the ONLY ONE who could help.

I came out of the meditation and felt a sense of purpose.  In the past I would get irritated with my body's "weaknesses" and interferences in my flow of energy.  Not today, today I listened and I HEARD.  I cried and asked God to help me forgive myself for all the years of neglect I had inflicted upon myself.  And I prayed for direction.

I was guided to all the right information and all the right people.  I am suffering from adrenal exhaustion.

I am sharing this deeply personal topic with you because I think humility is a beautiful thing.  And I am humbled by this.  And in that humility I feel I can raise myself up again and start fresh.  I can forgive and walk a new direction.  I can also let you know- if you have any resemblance to this challenge that you are not alone in it either.

I am on the uphill climb to recovery and well being now.  I have been for almost a month.  It has been a beautiful journey.  I ONLY put healthy things into my body and I pray over every meal and declare that it nourishes all of my cells for their highest good.  When I feel tired at 2pm, I take a walk and do yoga and my energy begins to flow again.  I take supplements that are natural and healing for my cells and I make sleep a priority.  I gave up alcohol (didn't really use it much anyways) and white flours and sugars.  It's WAY EASIER than I thought it would be.  My only challenge is getting myself to exercise when I feel like going to sleep.  But, I've done it enough now to know what the end result will be- invigoration!  And surprisingly I have found a new love for movement again.  I used to be a dancer many eons ago- and now walking and boogying my ass down fawn drive feels fantastic!
I even sing out loud with my headphones on.  No worries, weird is normal in Sedona, didn't you know?

And lastly, I am not doing this alone.  This would have been my "old" way of handling my life..... but not this time.  I know how far I have fallen and I am going to need hands to hold and words of wisdom along the way.  I have a dear friend who checks in and encourages me every few days.... and she believes in me.  My husband is completely supportive and then there is my professional help.  I am seeing a doctor for the first time in 6 years- a naturopathic medical doctor who is treating my adrenal/thryoid and hormone imbalances.  I am told it can take a up to a year to heal these issues..... that's ok.  I have the rest of my life :)