This year has been such a journey for me- a wonderful, healing, piss me off and bring out the nasty in me (because that shit's got to go) kind of year.
I just celebrated my 45th birthday. It was insignificant in the grand experience of my life- and I am deeply thankful for that. I actually had a calm, loving and peaceful day with myself and my husband. Having used to be someone who really NEEDED my birthday to be a big deal- you know expecting everyone to send me a card, have a local parade & sing to me as I walk down the street- kind of expectation. But, interestingly now, I don't feel that way anymore. I am just really really happy to let it be simple. I wish I could share some profound wisdom with you as to how this came to be- but I have no idea what the fuck happened. I am just plain ol' happy I was born.
That being said, this year has been filled with some serious "aha" moments for me. As I have said in a few of my other blogs, I have been facing the challenge of Adrenal Exhaustion since last fall. Just when I think, "I got this!" and that the hard part is over, I get wiped out, slide back into a couple of days of "everyone leave me the fuck alone and get off my planet" kind of moods...
This is teaching me SO MUCH, and some serious grand lessons are right in front of me to embrace and grow from. One of the biggest ones is letting go of my addiction to Instant Gratification. You know, "I WANT that so I SHALL HAVE THAT" kind of behaviors. Wether it's a sweet thing, a bottle of wine, a glass of caffeinated Iced Tea (my serious favorite) or to work 10 hours straight so I can have the "feeling" of satisfaction of getting it all done (which is serious bull shit anyways- it never gets all done). I have lived my life trying to force things to happen NOW so I can feel good NOW....... Dammit.
In the last few months, I have been deeply working on seeing myself and my toxic addictions straight on. Recognizing that they existed was actually the easy part for me, and being a deep soul diver like I am, I actually could find my "why" they exist pretty easily too...... BUT that's where easy stopped. Changing those behaviors took a hell of a lot more effort than I liked, I mean I didn't want to break a nail or anything (seriously though, I don't even grow my nails because it takes too much effort to maintain them...... here's your sign, as Bill Engval likes to proclaim.)
There's a funny thing about illness though, if you are truly opening the gift it's bringing you, it will require some serious changes to transform yourself into total health again. And, I had truly reached my breaking point some many months back, spending more time as an inanimate object from fatigue than as a living playful being. So, my motivation to change was strong enough to make me go into and walk through my discomfort zones.
Giving up sugar and caffeine created a MAJOR FUCKING DISCOMFORT ZONE for me. Giving up working more than 4 hrs. a day, another anxiety producing gem I got to deal with. Feeling worthless because I can't do all the things I used to be able to do, another thing to let go of. You think it would be easy to let go of that shitty feeling, but no my friend, that one was clinging tightly like a tick on my ass I couldn't reach. And, I had to let go of anger I was holding towards several people I loved and admit my egotistical bitchy self was holding onto being "right".
I have always said, and believe, "When the student is ready, the teacher will come." Enter Dr. Joe Dispenza and the MAKING YOUR MIND MATTER class. I signed up just out of intuition and hope that someone could help me master my own addictions and re-create my life to fit the vision I was wishing for in my heart- vibrant energy and balanced lifestyle. I have helped so many others achieve this, and yet these techniques just weren't getting through my own strong willed ego this time. I needed help, so I asked and the universe provided.
I'm not very far in this 8 week course, but I'm far enough to say it's working for me! Before you go rushing in- let me warn you, it works because it requires 1 hr. of meditation a day where you are retraining your body to OBEY your mind..... and bodies don't love to obey at first. They are like toddlers, whining and aching and squirming- trying to convince you they NEED THAT CUPCAKE, or NEED TO GET UP AND GET THAT SHIT DONE.
My body, after many years of meditation seems to be more like a school age kid that I've just been ignoring because I've been too busy working. But now that I am stopping, listening and most importantly DISCIPLINING myself, it's beginning to fight a little less and listen a little more. It's almost like it's watching me to see if I am really truly ready to take responsibility for meeting my own needs in healthy ways, or if I am just going to collapse back into "checking out" and burying myself in work so deep I lose all sense of balance and nurturing again. Time and LOVE will tell. I am committed to my own well being. I am committed to see my own tricks and manipulations and to disciplining myself with love and boundaries. I am ready to BECOME what I have always known was inside of me waiting to be LOVED out into the open.
Thank you for being my witness.