|Tree from My Yard- July 23, 2010|
I recognized, because of the nature of the work I do being a healer/counselor, that something I had buried deep in my consciousness was rising up to be explored, understood and released. I literally used the words "I need to uproot this old pattern of fear and move on" when discussing it with my husband.
My suffering came from making assumptions. I found myself taking simple statements and reading into them, and not in a pleasant way. I was afraid of being judged, rejected or seen as "bad" by the people I loved. It was causing palpitations and gut churning experiences for me. My body was shouting at me to change the inner environment I was creating.
So, I sat in meditation and asked my deeper self to show me what the root cause of this emotional roller coaster ride was. I watched and listened as multiple experiences flashed before my eyes. A childhood filled with moments of unexpected anger outbursts by those I loved and trusted had created a fearful need to predict what others were feeling about me, so I could protect myself. Memories of my loved ones speaking negatively about my character when they didn't know I was listening, "she's a mouthy child, she's lying, she's spoiled" left me feeling deeply hurt and misunderstood. Another reason, I had told myself not to trust the ones closest to me.
As I held these experiences in my heart I reached out to the child in me. "You will never be able to please everyone" I told her. "You have to give up trying. I love you and I can see you- who you really are and I think you are wonderful and kind."
I apologized to myself for letting these little moments of discomfort grow into long hours or even days of discomfort. I made an agreement with myself to no longer assume I know what anyone is feeling- to speak up and ask, and then to trust what they say. My final agreement with myself was to remind myself of what is true about me and to give up trying to prove that truth to others. It's an impossible battle and an incredible waste of my time.
I felt a deep sense of peace when I was finished. I felt safe.
The next morning I awoke to find a huge tree in our yard uprooted from the night's storm. I laughed out loud as I recognized the message nature was sending me. It is done :)