Thursday, February 2, 2012

I am Home


January was a beautiful month for me.  I had decided to take a "social hiatus" from outside activities and social events for the whole month.  This meant no outings with friends, attending of classes, or hosting of events on my part- simply just doing my work and being with myself and my family in my down time.  What can I say?  It was absolutely wonderful..... and I want more of it, more of me.

Because it was Feb. 2, and my month break was over, I invited a soul sister over to do collaging. We sat together cutting and pasting our soul collage cards, enjoying the connection and powerful images we were both drawn to.  It was so satisfying for me and....... peaceful.

We talked, as women do, of all those we knew of and the classes and courses out there in the world of spirituality.  We talked about new books and new travels she was venturing into.  All of it perfect for her and fun to listen to for me.  But inside a feeling, a knowing was brewing....... I choose to sit still.

I realized in listening to her talk about her next adventures, I'm am done going to self help groups, being a part of the "new age" community in my area, reading the latest book on spirituality, self-help, life, God, etc........ I've reached a point where I have found peace in just coming to my own inner world for ALL of my answers- I've come home to me and it's a really great place.

Don't misunderstand me, this is a place I've visited frequently (my inner world of me), I just chose not to stay there.  I'd get distracted by someone else I may have felt knew something more, that I absolutely couldn't live without knowing, or I'd keep buying and believing this next new book had magical answers to learn, or amazing viewpoints that would wake me up and transform my consciousness even more.

As I sit here typing this blog, my shelves (3 full bookcases to be exact) are filled with self-help & healing books galore, all of which I believed held the magic formula for awakening.  I'm grateful to the "aha" moments each gave, but it's really been the act of loving myself and speaking and living in truth that has given me my greatest awakenings.  My journey of self love has been my red sparkly shoes - like Dorothy.  To quote the Glenda the Good Witch in Wizard of Oz,  "You've always had the power".

Funny as it may seem, my husband has always been in this place.  As we sat and had our morning coffee together, I mentioned it to him.  I explained how so much of our marriage I've been chasing after knowledge & wisdom about life and running back home to share it with him.  He'd always seem interested but NEVER got caught up in the shiny "sparkleyness" of whatever it was I was selling to him.  He wasn't skeptical, in fact he would agree with almost all of it.  The difference was he didn't NEED it.  He was quite content to just live his daily life, moving through each moment with peace and contentment- and he is the happiest person I know.   Imagine that- the teacher was beside me all along.

It actually used to piss me off, that peace and contentment he exuded.  He did nothing to "earn it" in my mind.  Just loving me, the kids, his music, his daily grind and rarely complaining (seriously).  He was no Pollyanna either- just content.  I now know it bothered me sometimes because I was jealous of it and I had felt like I was working harder for it than he was.  I can reflect now about how funny all of that chasing peace was and I can laugh at myself with compassion.

And now, I can feel the grounded-ness of my own being- where my husband Todd's been hanging out all these years.  I have arrived, I am home and I found it's right where I've always been- ME.  Home is Me, I am the Peace I seek, the answers I seek, the love I seek.  I am all of it and I don't have to go anywhere to get it.

It makes me giggle, and yet I understand the gift as well, all that running around chasing after God. I realize, that for me,  it took all that external seeking to find ME.  It's like "I'm what I'm looking for" was taped on my back and no matter where I went I couldn't see it.  (I can feel my Soul smiling as I write this).

So, I'm not saying it's "bad" to do the readings, groups, etc.- those things can and do offer us great joy.  What I'm saying is to release the NEED for those things is so empowering- To have the PEACE within because you know what is best for you- and always will and you need no one else to make it true for you.

So choose to seek in another or in yourself- they all lead back to you eventually.  And, (Finally) I'll be here in the center of my being, excited to hear all about it and encouraging you in any way I can- just as Todd's always done for me.  And when you come "home" to yourself- I'll be your witness with a smile of knowing in my eyes and a welcome sign on my heart.

Addendum: Please note I have gently changed some wording from my original post to communicate my feelings more clearly.  I do not feel that seeking external experiences from books, groups etc. is a negative or disempowering thing.  I believe the NEED for them is.  And I have finally found a very peaceful place within myself of no longer needing them.  There is no attempt to shame anyone- or to create an either/or idea- that is NOT who I am.

5 comments:

  1. Martina, thank you for this post. I have recently made a conscious effort to get back to basics, to embrace self-love as how I live and not as a concept.

    This took me back to working with my inner child and last evening I did some reading on this. While I was searching I came across an author's WEB site and as I read it I found that his material resonated with me. At the bottom of the WEB page was link to buy his book and I thought, "Cool, I'll buy it" and then my inner voice said, “Hey you already know, just trust me and do the work”.

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  2. Thanks Paul! Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about.
    Recognizing and appreciating someone's inspirational ideas but knowing you don't need them- as "you already know"

    I'm celebrating your inner voice and your trust in it.

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  3. This is an amazing and wonderful post.....I have almost three bookshelves myself of those kinds of empowering books....and in the last few years I have found a better sense of relying on my own worth and my own wisdom. Everything you say is so true, I cannot thank you enough for this post. It truly is all within.....I think the books can be helpful, it's just eventually we arrive at the place where we understand that we can fly. Thank you.

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  4. Thank you Mary Beth :) Glad it took you only 3 bookshelves- it took me 3 bookCASES! LOL.
    Appreciated your kind words and understanding.

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  5. I love myself best and most fully when I see myself through the eyes of my Creator, rather than my own eyes.
    I too have bought tons of books, and I resign once again to the all encompassing book of God.

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