He was sitting on my little couch, where all my clients sit, jeans, blue t-shirt and Birkenstock sandals. As I looked at his feet, I heard him say, "I thought you'd like that touch of humor". I knew immediately who it was, my dear brother and friend Jesus/Yeshua- the Holy Spirit. "Everyone always talks about me as wearing sandals" he said and I laughed.
I knew also at the moment he had been the one loving me, during my meditation- gentle touches and reminders of how loved I am- cause that's the kind of guy he is. As he sat here on my couch, he crossed his leg over his other knee and said to me, "I don't think you're going to like what I have to say to you- at least your Ego won't."
I felt a sense of dread in my gut because in the distance of my mind I already knew what he was going to say. I'll try and put it as accurately as I heard it, but realize much of it came as concept over words.
"Remember when you were little how they taught you in Church that you had to release your will to God's will and you never liked that- you felt bossed around?"
"Yes, I remember well," I said.
"Then as you grew older you learned in the new age movement that your will, your desire and God's were the same one thing, so all you had to do was follow your desire and you'd be on target. "
"Well neither is right and both are right."
No hold onto your socks, cause here is where it got rocky for me and most likely will for you.
"Your will, your desire needs to be questioned/examined to determine what part of you it is coming from. Your Ego, or who you see yourself as "Martina", is always going to desire what emphasizes separation and self-gratification- It will keep you focused on pleasure and make you believe that what your life is revealing to you is of your own creation, your own doing. It will give you permission to do whatever feels good and to avoid what doesn't"
"Yes, like Law of Attraction, Right?"
"Your greater self, desires love and unity, to give of itself- Your Greater Self is ME. Your life belongs to ME. You said it yourself today, I am the Holy Spirit. And you are, when you let go of the concept of your Ego you know this as truth."
"Your Greater Self has a plan for your life, a plan Martina you've tried several times to run away from because you are afraid. Because you forget that I am in you and working through you. Because you believe in the separation and you feel overwhelmed by what I am asking you to do- you run, you hide, you distract yourself. But I will always gently guide you back to my plan- a plan you, who is me, formed for you."
At this, I knew he was talking about my gift of mediumship and sharing it with everyone who needs it. I have turned away from this purpose more times than I can count ( I am embarrassed to say). I have used the excuses of it being too hard, not joyful, not fun, etc. and then told myself that if I were meant to do it, I would want to do it.
He smiled at me as I looked inside at my fear. "You are right", I said. "I've been running away from it, and only keeping one toe in the water."
"How much art have you created since you've walked away from your gift?"
"None. I haven't felt the desire to."
"And how often do you get contacted about your mediumship or feel the urge to help a spirit in need?", he asked.
"Every single day" I answered.
"Your gift will keep calling to you, like a promise you made and then broke. It will bother you and ache in your heart for you to come home to it. It will keep showing up at the door of your heart, knocking and asking to be received."
"Well shit", I said. And he laughed.
I felt myself sigh really deeply and I felt sad, not because I had "fallen" off track but because even hearing all this, I still didn't want to get back on, I still felt afraid. Afraid of not being good enough, disappointing others, disappointing him. I felt the child in me want to cry. Then I felt his strength inside me too.
"I am with you", he said. "Take your time, the door is always open."
And he was gone.
So, please be patient with me. I'll come around, I always do..... I just need some time to let myself figure it all out. Say prayers for me to be strong. I believe in the power of prayer.
Tomorrow's mantra, "I am Strong".