Rebirth...... and tidal waves of Grief.

It's been a hell of a hard month.... not everyday, but the days that are difficult are so hard they bleed into the few days after.  Ever have days like that?

I am going through a rebirthing process.  Birth is NEVER easy, it is challenging for the mother and for the new child being born.  As a nurse in Mom/baby I watched more births than I can count, and every one left me in tears with the beauty and miracle of the experience...... every single one.  It wouldn't matter if I walked in right before the delivery or spent hours with the mother to be- it was deeply emotionally touching to witness.  And, it had me in tears every time.

Right now I am rebirthing myself.  And I am also witnessing the birth.  So I am mother, child and midwife- and it is exhausting.

My contractions are waves huge waves of grief that come unexpectedly, without provocation or cause.  When the first one hit me a few weeks ago, I thought "Holy shit this sucks!".  But I was determined to embrace it, breathe through it and try not to judge myself for it.  I went deep into it, believing if I could dig out it's treasures, it would clear and I would be the better for it.  So I thought......

I could not identify anything in my current life that made me sad- so confusion came as well.  I am learning grief can be cellular.  It can have one thing and many things that have rooted it into our being.  It can be one lifetime or many lifetimes of sadness unfelt.  In other words, it can be overwhelmingly deep and difficult to put a finger on.

A few weeks ago, before my first grief contraction I was taking a walk in my neighborhood and saw this guy resting in my path.

I stopped, shocked because rattlesnakes are usually not out during the middle of the day and in all the months we had been in AZ. I had never seen one before- anywhere!  I could feel "magic" afoot, knowing something mystical was happening in it's own subtle way.  So I snapped a photograph.  It wasn't until later that I noticed the snake had formed a pattern of 7 undulations- the same as the 7 chakra systems.

I drug out my Animal Speak book and read about the symbolism of snake crossing your path.  It is a sign of Rebirth- and Rattlesnake is a Power snake according to the Native Americans.  If you see a rattlesnake you are in the process of shedding your false sense of power and rebirthing yourself into true power.  Within days of this viewing the first contraction of grief hit.  Just like a snake that gets itchy as it's old skin starts to feel too tight and dry.... my irritability with little things started to increase.  Every little thing made me irritated and meditation barely helped.

So after the first contraction, which I naively hoped would be the only one,  I recovered and found myself hit with a second wave of overwhelming sadness several days later.  This one scared the shit out of me because it gave me pause to wonder, "how many of these hellish waves am I going to have before it's over?".  The same thought a mother has when in labor.

Then I saw the second Rattlesnake and this one was not gently gliding across the road!  This one I almost stepped on and it shook it's rattle so loudly I jumped back 3 feet before I even knew what it was.  It never tried to strike me, but it was coiled ready to, should I decide to not respect it's boundaries.

My husband even said, "Wow, what is it with you and rattlesnakes these days?  Do you think it's maybe a sign?".  Duh....  "Why yes, darling, of course I do."

So bring on contraction 3, 4 & 5......they seem to be getting closer.  My recovery time is shorter.  I am so sick of crying and so so sick of feeling like a basket case.  Transition must be close at hand...... or so I hope.

Don't worry.  I know you might be worried about me..... I  mean heck I was worried about myself for awhile.  But in between contractions I can feel the truth again.  I am truly where I am meant to be.  I LOVE my life and this is finally the safe place I needed to be to let go of all these false ideas about myself and my worthiness of peace and happiness.  I spent the last 20 years learning my worth and integrating it into my life- and now my body is asking me to let go of more to go Deep Soul Diving for the treasure of my whole self.

So, because I love myself, that's what I am going to do....... I am choosing to breathe with the contractions, instead of fighting them.  This new self is coming and I can either facilitate her arrival or fight it all the way- but just like birth it is inevitable that I am reborn.

Inevitability gives me peace.  When I gave birth to both of my children, I remember telling myself "this will pass and you will have a great gift when you get through all of this".  So today, I remind myself and possibly you if you are going through a challenging time, this too shall pass and when it's all over with- you will forget the birthing pains (or at least the memory will fade) and a gift of new life will await you.

So, send me prayers for a quick labor.  And should you be so inclined to send me healing energy, or an epidural- I'm not too proud to receive it.